[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Fidel Castro was alive?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday