yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.