[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
You Might Also Like
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
same vibe as tangled headphones
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
The glockness monster
Ok, but like, how married are you?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
this is so top tier i cant
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!