Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.