*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
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“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The Sun
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I feel it
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you