This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
#growingpains
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
#Caturday
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?