had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
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[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I am crying
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.