That de-escalated quickly
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .