When you take Google Maps too seriously.
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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
excuse me
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream