[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.