Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
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The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
You know…for fall…
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda