How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely