She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
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I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I love wikipedia
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies