There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
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My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.