People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
But that’s none of my business
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?