There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
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My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
October already? What’s next? November????
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.