Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
The news is so predictable nowadays
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.