All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”