I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll: