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I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄