Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
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A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate