Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Nose
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
In banana years, I am bread.