When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok