18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
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Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.