Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
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Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.