Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.