My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
(Musicians.)
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)