KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
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I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat