I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
You Might Also Like
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
sistine chapel