Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
where do you see yourself in five years?
Brilliant!
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want