Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.