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Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn