My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
A Short Story.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.