10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
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If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
This was a bad idea all around
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??