Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.