Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Matt Goss
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!