If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
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Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.