the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.