Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me: