you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it