I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok