As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
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ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving