you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
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I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*aggressively waits in line*
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?