printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
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-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Can’t, holding a grudge
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.