“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home