“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Seek kebab; not attention
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.