[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
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Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.