my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Happens to everyone.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Cats (2019)
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no