I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
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“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
When the stylist spins you back around
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.