Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
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Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus